Q: "I couldn't face the reality of picking up my cat's cremains right after she died. Despite several reminder messages from my veterinarian, they told me they no longer had her ashes when I stopped to get them 6 months later! I was devastated and heart-broken. What can I do?"--Angel in Seattle
A: Unfortunately, Angel, this is a situation that happens quite often and I can see both sides of the dilemma. From your perspective, you trust your veterinary team to understand the difficulty and process of your grief and assume they'll give you time to heal before you face the reality of your cat's altered physical state. However, on the veterinary side, I understand how difficult it is for them to know just how long they should be required to remain the guardian of an item (cremains, collars, ClayPaws® prints) that is potentially quite precious to another person, especially when they don't really know whether or not the item will ever be claimed.
There are many ethical and communication issues here that we can briefly sort through. Hopefully, something might click for you and help you know what to do next.
First, you and other pet parents should be aware that unclaimed personal items are a growing problem for veterinary teams. A growing awareness about the needs of their grieving clients has made them reluctant to throw anything away. Yet, in some clinics, their former patients' dog sweaters, cat carriers, and cremains are stacking up wherever there is free space. One clinic I know has a 'one-year hold' policy and, when they notify their client about the item, they tell them the date that the item will be disposed of, if not claimed. This reminder is made by telephone once and followed by a letter. After one year, they donate bedding, collars, etc., to the humane society and dump cremains and ClayPaws® prints into a common area just outside their back door around some shrubbery and a small evergreen tree. It's sort of their own Tribute Garden. This way, they don't feel like they are throwing away something meaningful and clients have a point of reference for the final resting place of their pet should they ever desire to know what became of their cremains.
In my opinion, any veterinary clinic that makes ClayPaws® prints or returns cremains directly to their clients should be clear about how long they will keep them if not immediately claimed.
Second, I truly do understand how difficult it can be to think about retriving the cremains of a beloved pet. Honestly, the drastic change in form, size, and tactile connection can be downright shocking if you're not prepared ahead of time for what you will receive. For some, it's like losing a pet all over again.
Yet, it's not fair to your veterinarian to simply not respond to reminders. At the very least, you should respond to their request, asking for a bit more time before picking up your pet's personal items. Make a definite plan about when you will be there and call again if you need to change your mind. Even better, ask a friend or family member to pick up your pet's cremains, paw print, etc., and keep it for you until you're at the point where you will be comforted by the item, rather than further disturbed.
Angel, as hard as it may be to face the truth, you may want to ask your veterinarian what they finally did with your cat's cremains. Some return them to the crematory for storage and you may be able to retrieve them there. If they have a mass burial or scatter site, at least you might feel connected with your pet in that area. And, if those methods fail, they are other ways to memorialize a pet...make a donation in your cat's name, create a scrapbook or memory box dedicated to your cat, or find ways to educate others about picking up cremains so they can be spared the sadness you experienced when you delayed.
Our thoughts are with you, Angel. Thanks for bringing an important and little discussed situation to our attention.
--Laurel