"I Want a New Dog, but Don't Want to Betray Bertie!"

"Hi.  Bertie was my 13-year-old weimaraner and she died 4 months ago.  I've been doing okay without her, but now I'd like to get a new dog and that has been making me feel awful.  I think Bertie would be sad if she could see me with another dog.  Is it too soon to think about this?"  ---former client, Argus Institute

First, I'm sorry to hear about Bertie's death.  I know how much she meant to you and how much you loved one another.  She helped you through a difficult time in your life and I know you will always feel grateful to her for that.  I also know that, in your mind, that debt you feel you owe her may be translating into a misguided sense of loyalty.  That's what I'd like to talk about here...

When someone dies, it's very common for grievers like you and me to think our grief (both the intensity and duration of our intense feelings like sadness, depression, guilt, etc.) must equal the depth of love and commitment we had for that loved one.  In other words, if we truly, deeply loved someone like you loved Bertie, it would be wrong to transfer that love and our loyalty to someone new too soon.

But, what is too soon?

The truth is, Bertie would want you to have someone in your life to comfort you and provide you with companionship like she did.  And, just because you begin to love another dog, doesn't mean you love Bertie any less.  You can do both!

If you feel ready, start looking for another dog.  And, when you find one, take a moment to "introduce" your new companion to Bertie.  Tell your new dog about Bertie and what she liked to do, what her routines were in your home.  Talk out loud to Bertie and tell her why you got a new dog and that, no matter how you much you come to love this new pet, you will always love her and remember her.

It may sound silly to some of you to do this, but it's really what we all do and think...we just don't tell each other about it because we don't have social conversations about how we handle grief.

Readers, have you faced this situation?  What worked for you if you felt disloyal to a pet who died?

--Laurel

Comments

[Amy]

I have gone through this. Two times to be exact. My story is way to long to tell here, though. It is not that you are replacing Bertie. Bertie will always hold that special place in your heart and in your memories. I lost my doxie of 15 yrs. In January and my cat not even a month later. I had another doxie. Because he lost both his brothers and playmates I felt a new sibling would benefit him. I was hesitant but I felt bad for him. Anyway, I still have some guilt. But I look at it this way. There are so many animals that needs someone to love them and they just want to love you back. And maybe, you are the best person for that particular animal. Love is not transferable. We are capable of loving many things at once. I still tell Dexter- r.i.p., Heidi-r.i.p., and Taylor-r.i.p. "goodnight" at night, as well as, my Dylan and Dixie. I am sorry for your loss and I hope this helps you.

[Laurel]

Thank you so much, Amy. I will pass on your comments to my former client as I'm not sure she will read this blog. I appreciate your wisdom about this topic, especially your knowledge that "we are capable of loving many things at once." So true, and easy to forget when we're grieving...

[Chris]

I've been through this with our girl Precious who passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.

My wife and I adopted Katie about 3 months later. We felt that we had the love and resources for a dog and knew that there are so many dogs out there that need a good home. We didn't feel we were betraying Precious, we know that she would tell any dog she met that living with us was a pretty good gig and so if she couldn't be with us another dog deserved the opportunity.

For us Katie is Precious' living legacy in several ways and we are very happy she came to live with us.

[Laurel]

What a good perspective, Chris, to think of your next dog as the positive legacy left by the former pet. I think this is true. If you didn't have a wonderful, loving experience previously, you wouldn't be likely to want to repeat it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[Ingrid King]

I think it's different for everyone. Each relationship with each pet is unique, and there is no one "right time" to get a new pet after losing a beloved companion.

I've been through this more times than I cared to. When I lost my first cat, Feebee, I waited three months to get another one, and the only reason I lasted that long was because I worked at an animal hospital at the time and at least had daily contact with other cats during the week. When I brought Amber home, I initially said it was only to "foster" - it still felt like a betrayal of Feebee to bring another cat into my life so soon. It took me three months to acknowledge that Amber wasn't going anywyere. She recently passed away after a brief and sudden illness, and I'm still struggling. I had adopted Allegra, a now 10-month-old kitten, a month before Amber died. Amber's passing complicated my bonding with Allegra - their personalities are very different, and it wasn't fair of me to expect Allegra to fill the huge void Amber left behind. I'm just now starting to be able to embrace this little kitten and really take her into my heart. I know she'd love a companion - but I'm just not ready yet. I'll know when the time is right.

You can read more on my thoughts on the topic, in my article "Life After Loss: Getting a New Pet" here: http://consciouscat.net/2010/06/30/life-after-loss-getting-a-new-pet/

[Dana]

I've seen this type of conflict so many times in my work. It's so hard when the head is so judgemental and critical of the heart. I agree that taking time, removing pressure, and allowing oneself to grieve is important. In the end, I believe that all souls (human or animal) live on after death and they want those who've they left behind to be happy.