"I think my mom needs help..."

"My dad divorced my mom a few years ago and she was left with little but the family dog.  Our sweet Peppy died a few months ago and I'm really worried about my mom.  She keeps talking about her and still cries when she does.  I think she needs help, but I don't know what to tell her to do."  --Marcia S. (via email)

This is indeed a difficult position for you, Marcia.  It sounds like Peppy was probably your childhood dog, so you must be dealing with your own grief, too.  It's hard to grieve and support someone else with their grief at the same time.  I'm sorry to hear about your loss...

I would certainly need to know a lot more about your mother and her circumstances to tell you if you should really be worried about her or not.  That said, Marcia, I want you to realize that talking about a lost loved one and crying during the conversation is normal, even several months (and sometimes even years, depending on the significance of the relationship and the circumstances of the death) later.

One of my teachers once said that grief is like a mucky reservoir of sludgy gunk.  If you want to "get it all out", you can either drain it all at once with one huge dredging or you can dip into with a tiny bucket, a little bit at a time, day after day, for many, many years.  Either way, eventually, it's not so "gunky" anymore.  The difference is just the method and the time it takes to complete the process.

Grieving is a process.  Some people wail and wallow and get it all out in a relatively short time.  They become preoccupied with doing what it takes for them to get "closure" and  immerse themselves in feeling BAD and then they move on.

Others work hard to "stuff" their grief, trying to stay busy, keeping the feelings a bay, trying to feel better, but always feeling a bit shaky.  Then, when they do have a chance to talk to someone openly about their grief, it "leaks" out with the same intensity and feeling as if the loss had just happened.  And, to them, it feels this way because they haven't ever allowed themselves to really FEEL their sadness, etc.

There's really no right or wrong way to grieve. Your mother is probably just feeling that she doesn't have much of an outlet for her grief, so she trusts you to understand her feelings because she assumes you're feeling them, too, since you both loved Peppy.

My suggestion for you would be to simply listen (over and over, if you can) to her memories, feelings, and tears, without trying to "fix" it for her or trying to "solve" this problem.  She may just need a way to "get it out."  If, as her primary resource, you find yourself becoming too impatient and depleted to listen any longer, suggest that you work together to find additional resources for your mom.  Assure her that you'll still be there for her, but that hearing some ideas from others who understand, too, would be of even greater comfort to her.

There are many good counselors, pet loss support groups, telephone helplines, and websites that deal with pet loss.  You'll find some of them on our website at www.veterinarywisdom.com  You can also ask your veterinarian for some referrals and recommendations for resources in your area.  If your vet is not informed about these, try contacting any pet crematory or cemetaries in your area or even your human funeral homes, hospice programs, or grief counselors.  Sometimes, you have to dig a bit, but help is out there.

If your mother declines further support, you may want to gently begin talking to her about adopting another dog.  No one can take the place of Peppy, but a brand new relationship might be just what she needs to feel less lonely.

What personal wisdom can you share, readers, for this situation?  Ever felt like this yourself or known someone who felt this way?

--Laurel

Comments

[Chris]

One of the hardest things for me about helping others with grief is that I can't fix the situation for them.

What they often need is someone to just be there, to talk to about their loss and to comfort them.

[Laurel]

This is so true, Chris. Thank you for your comment about this. It's our natural impulse to want to help or "fix" and grief can't be hurried or "cured". Listening and providing uncritical companionship have been proven to be the most helpful aids.

[Dana]

Marcia, I too, am sorry to hear that your Mom is going though such a tough time right now. It's obvious that you're worried about her and I'm glad that she has you to support her. Peppy's death may be even harder on your Mom because Peppy was a link to her life with your Dad and she may still has some grief over the end of her marriage. I agree with Laurel in that grief can "look" so different in different people, but bottom line, if you allow them time, space, and love...most grievers find their way through.