Is this a fair favor to ask?

I had a phone call the other day from a woman who's family dog was deteriorating quite quickly...incontinence, seizures, etc.  The dog actually belonged to her husband and predated their marriage.  The issue now was that her husband couldn't bring himself to make a decision about euthanasia and was leaving the timing (and the act of taking the dog to the vet) up to his wife.  Needless to say, this was causing her some angst as she wondered 'when' and 'if' she should euthanize the dog.

I know what I told her, but I'm interested in what you all would say, as well as whether or not you think this is a fair favor to ask of someone else.  Do you have personal experience with this situation?  Tell me what you think...

--Laurel

Comments

[Tammy]

I think this is a really tough situation. My husband and I had to make a euthanasia decision last year for our Miss Girl. She was Mike's cat - he rescued her. He had to make the actual decision to euthanize her - I wouldn't do that since she was his cat. But, he couldn't make the call to set up the doctor to come to the house. I did that part.

This is such a difficult thing to face together as a couple. I'm not sure it's fair to place the burden solely on one partner or the other. In some ways, I guess I did that by telling Mike he had to make the final decision whether to euthanize or not, however, I supported him and helped make the plans for our Miss G.

If this man leaves the decision up to his wife, then he will need to be OK with the decision she makes. I could see that being an eventual problem. Communication is the key... even if he can't make the decision, they need to talk about all the options and aspects I think.

[Laurel]

Good points, Tammy. Resentment from the spouse or pet owner who asks for this favor is a definite possibility, especially if they feel you made the appointment for euthanasia too early, waited too long, didn't stay with the pet during the procedure, etc. There are so many assumptions people make based on how they THINK things will go and they don't always convey their wishes and priorities.

If you agree to help someone with a pet's euthanasia, detailed communication is essential. I understand the emotional obstacles to actually being the one to handle all the arrangements. Everyone needs support and help at these times. But, please insist on some in-depth conversations prior to granting this favor.

[Dana]

I've seen situations like this one in my years of counseling clients and it can be very difficult and complicated. As Laurel said, it is essential that both people talk with each other ahead of time about quality of life issues. They need to have a complete understanding of the other's point of view and talk ahead of time about the possible consequences if a "bad" decision is made. I would start by meeting with both of them and educating them about how normal grief works and what happens to us when we're stuck in denial. This would help to create a better understanding between them and may make the decision-making process easier.

[turtlecookie]

Since I haven't had this experience and I'm not a counselor so I haven't encountered it, I am going to reply from my gut. I do not think it is a fair favor to ask. I like the Tammy and Mike dealt with it. It was his decision, but she supported him in carrying out his decision. Support is critical. In depth communication is key. I think it is fair to ask for help in making the decision (discussion, bouncing ideas, listening), to ask for emotional support, to ask for physical help or to make tangible requests (like Tammy making the call for Mike.) But not fair to ask someone else to make this very personal, difficult decision that could so easily lead to resentment and/or regret down the road.

Turtlecookie

[Laurel]

I totally agree, Turtlecookie, that communication is essential. I think the problem arises, though, when one person is too distraught to face the problem in the first place and most likely doesn't want to talk about it at all. Then communication about all the sensitive decisions and choices involved with a pet's euthanasia becomes gut-wrenching and conflictual. I can imagine one person shouting, "I just need you to take care of it!" and stalking off, can't you?

I'll pick up this conversation again next week and see if we can provide any further guidance for folks in this situation.