Q: My cat died last month and I have kept all of her belongings, including her food dish, exactly where they have always been. My husband and kids are annoyed with me and want everything disposed of NOW. Who's right and how much should I keep? ---"Crazy Cat Lady" in Illinois
A: Wow, this hits home for me right now.
My 89-year-old mother-in-law died recently and I found myself wanting to keep everything she owned that reminded me of her. And, in fact, I wanted to keep her home exactly as it had always been, too, because walking in there always comforted me and brought me a feeling of peace and well-being. Entering her living room felt like going home to me. It was warm and welcoming and, well, homey. After she died, I needed to feel that way even more than before and in dismantling her rooms, I felt like I was losing her again in the process.
Sometimes keeping everything "exactly where they have always been" provides a short-term comfort, but honestly, if we refuse to move on after a few weeks, we may actually be refusing to fully accept the reality of our loss. As we divided up my mother-in-law's things and her home transformed into a place I no longer recognized, I felt sad, but it did somehow help me move on through my loss. I actually could feel some of my attachment to her seem to lighten.
After all, we are NOT our possessions. And, I found I didn't need to keep everything intact in order to feel connected to this woman whom I loved so much.
Still, experts say keeping a few meaningful "linking objects" (items that remind us of or connect us to a loved one who has died) is healthy and can actually aid the grieving process. But, how many is too many? I currently have several boxes of things from my mother-in-law's home, not to mention several other boxes from my own mother who died many years ago! Eventually whittling this stash down to a few items seems right to me. And the items I keep won't be the "valuable" ones. They'll be the things that are personal, something imbued with my loved ones' spirits or reminders of their daily routines...a favorite coffee cup, a ClayPaws® print of a pet's paw, a piece of jewelry worn everyday, etc.
There's really no right or wrong when it comes to keeping or disposing of a loved one's possessions and reminders. The key is finding a process that works for everyone. If your family is becoming irritated with your ongoing need to remain inked to your cat, it's important to listen to their concerns. Perhaps you could remove the items from the rooms you all share and place them somewhere where you can see and touch them when you want to...this might be somewhere in your clothes closet, in a basement work room or store room, etc. In the public areas, you might place a favorite photo or other tribute that is acceptable to everyone. This way, your cat won't completely disappear from your life, but your family won't feel "triggered" by their own sadness and grief each time they're in the room.
Remember that what's comforting to one person may be very upsetting to another. Family grief requires a series of conversations and compromises. What "linking objects" are acceptable and comforting for all of you?
--Laurel
I have found that I probably go off in the other direction. I keep very little to remind me of pets who have died. I have regretted not having more memory objects of pets.
I do have ClayPaws prints of three cats who have died. I wish I had them for others who died before I knew about ClayPaws! While I don't keep my prints out where I see them every day, I enjoy coming across them now and then.
Posted by: Tammy | February 02, 2010 at 02:40 PM