What Would YOU Add to This Advice?

"Dear VetWisdomCafe,

I need advice about allowing my preschooler to "be there" when we put our dog to sleep next week.  She is very in tuned with what happens to animals since I work in "animal rescue" but I don't want to scare her.  She loves our dog sooo much and knows he is very sick. I told her he is dying.  Since I am doing the euthanasia at home, I wanted to see if she is too young to witness this.

Thank You,
A Concerned Mom"

 

Here's how I replied...please add your thoughts and experiences!

Good morning, Concerned Mom,

I'm so sorry to hear of your dog's illness.  I understand how hard it is to live with the awareness that you will be losing him soon.  I know how many issues and decisions come up during this time.  The anxiety and confusion about what to do can truly preoccupy your time and thoughts....I admire your concern for your daughter and your willingness to seek some additional wisdom.

Let me begin by telling you that, like you, I have daughters (both of whom have been present at several pets' euthanasias) and also worked with many, many families with young children when I was the grief counselor at Colorado State's Veterinary Teaching Hospital.  So many parents felt the way you do...wanting to protect their children from additional sadness or even trauma, yet instinctively knowing that it just might be more beneficial for children emotionally and intellectually to be part of the saying good-bye process.

Here's what the research from the grief counseling field, as well as clinical experience, has taught me about children and pet loss:

First, as you probably know, pre-schoolers are not yet cognitively developed enough to truly be able process death.  They understand people around them feel sad and they can grasp that the pet who has always been there will no longer be physically present.  However, they don't really understand that death is permanent or that, eventually, death will come to each of us.

The up side of this developmental stage is that your child will most likely not be "frightened" by the death...she may not personalize it or even connect it to any fear of others dying.  Most likely, she will see it as a natural occurrance and may even seem quite curious about it.  You, of course, will comfort her and reassure her that this type of death (euthanasia) is only for animals and that all the people who love and surround her are healthy and planning to be with her for many years to come...

The "down" side of the preschooler development stage is that, because preschoolers don't have a complete grasp of language and can't always express what they are feeling, you may see her "acting out" a bit more because she can't really tell you that she's sad or confused about what has happened with her pet.  Your daughter may also repeatedly ask when your dog is coming back and she may even get angry with you for not bringing him back to her.  This is completely normal and shouldn't be interpretted as her being scared.  It just takes patience on your part to continue to explain death as best you can to her and empathize with how much she would like to see her dog again.  "I miss him, too.  I wish I could bring him back, but that is simply beyond my power..."

As for the actual euthanasia, you certainly know your daughter better than I, Concerned Mom, but simply knowing she has a mother like you leads me to believe that she could benefit from being there.  The young children I've worked with do very well being present as long as they have been prepared for what they will see and experience.  Before you go much further, please talk with your veterinarian so you understand exactly how he or she will perform the euthanasia.  If your vet uses a sensitive, compassionate technique and you feel he or she will be aware of your needs, as well as the medical expertise required, then you may feel quite confident that you and your daughter will be in good hands.  If you aren't sure that your veterinarian will be sensitive to the impact of the euthanasia, you may want to explore other options or have a more in-depth conversation with him or her.  Be sure your veterinarian is aware that your daughter might be present at the euthanasia.

If you feel good about your vet's techniques (both medical and emotional) describe the plan and steps involved to your daughter and ask her if she would like to draw a picture or have you help her write a note to your dog that she can give him as you say good-bye.  Since you are doing the procedure at your home, you also might want to involve her in preparing some sort of memorial that you can either place in the spot where he dies (like a plant or some flowers, a photo, etc.) or in another part of your home...somewhere she feels she can go when she wants to feel close to him again.

The key is preparation, Concerned Mom.  As you talk with her about what will happen, if you feel her anxiety escalating or, if she repeatedly says, "no, I don't want to do that," then by all means, don't force her or push her to be part of it.  Even young children know their own needs and limits and, as parents, we empower them by allowing them to make choices that are right for them.

Finally, if your daughter is going to be present at the euthanasia, I would encourage you to ask a close friend or relative to be there with you in your home, with the clear role of taking care of your daughter for you when her attention wanes and she moves on to other things.  Since preschoolers have short attention spans, she may not wish to remain involved for very long in the good-byes.  She may not have as much need as you to sit with your dog and simply spend time with him.  However, if you are the only one there to attend to your daughter, you may not get the time you need to say and do what's right for you and your sweet friend.

So, the bottom line is, 1) talk to your veterinarian prior to the procedure so you understand exactly what will occur, 2)prepare your daughter and assess how she reacts to the open choice of being with your dog and, 3) if she's present, ask someone to be there to take care of her, if she needs supervision before you are able to provide it. 

I hope this helps, Concerned Mom.  If you have further questions, don't hesitate to email again or contact one of the counseling services we have posted on our website (You'll find a list in the Veterinary Wisdom® Support Center on our Pet Parent site). I trust your instincts, Concerned Mom, whatever you decide.  My thoughts and heart are with you and your sweet dog.

Warmly, Laurel

Comments

[Ingrid King]

This is wonderful advice. I especially like the suggestion to have another adult present who can distract the child if the mother needs more time to be with the dog to say her good byes. What an excellent idea.

[Stacia D. Kelly]

You know, we've had to put several pets down recently. Three of the family cats were just at that age (21, 18 and 12, although the 12 year old succumbed to liver cancer). I did not take my toddler in with me, mostly because I was having such a hard time with the death of a beloved feline family member. I did try to explain the best I could.

I think the above is a wonderful way of approaching it. I wish I'd thought about it when it happened to us.

[turtlecookie]

Excellent advice, Laurel. We haven't had to put a pet down so I didn't have to face this when my son was a toddler. I really like the idea of having another adult there for the child so that the adult can grieve/spend time with pet as she needs to while at the same time allowing the child to be a part of the process.

One thing I might add is to not use the euphemism "put to sleep" when referring to the euthanasia. Kids at that age can are usually quite literal and it could cause her to be afraid to go to sleep.

Hugs to Concerned Mom on having to put down a beloved pet.

Turtlecookie

[Laurel]

Thanks for all of your additions, readers. Stacia, I can only imagine how hard it was to lose three cats so close in time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

With her permission, here is the reply I received from Concerned Mom and my second reply to her. I think we've covered this topic very well here. Thank you all!

From Concerned Mom:

"Laurel,

Thank You sooo much for your advice. It really brought a lot of relief when I read it. I love all the suggestions and explanations about the age of my daughter. She is really the one I worry about. My son is 20 month old and I do not think he understands fully yet. I was hoping to do it on a school day but I think my vet will not be able to come until saturday. After a lot of thought I think I want to have my daughter say goodbye to our dog that morning and go with a friend to a playdate or a walk so she does not have to be present for the actual euthanasia. I think my husband and I need not to have to worry about the kids while our dog crosses over. I know my emotions will be elevated and I want it to be a peacefully, not stressful event. I am probably going to send my other Newfoundland for playdate as well with a neighbor dogs. I truly appreciate you getting back to me sooo quickly because there really is not a lot of advice for people with pre-school and younger kids that have to go through this.
I have no problem if you use my name etc., I am in Annandale, VA.

Thank You,
Christina"

And my second reply:

"Hello Christina,
I'm so happy you found some relief in our conversation. I've been in your situation and know how upsetting it can be to just simply not know what is best. It's amazing how a plan, simply making some decisions can help us feel better!

Your plan sounds like a good one for your daughter and for you and your husband. The main thing is not to "lie" or try to hide anything (including your own feelings, sadness, tears, etc.) If you hold back, your daughter will feel the tension and that will be more upsetting than simply knowing what is going on.

As for your other dog, some people have said that their remaining dogs have adjusted better to the loss of their pack mate if they've had the chance to see and sniff the body after their friend has died. Other dogs don't even seem to acknowledge the body. It's totally up to you, but, if your veterinarian and neighbor have time and are agreeable, you might want to bring your dog back home just before Maximus' body is removed...I know all of this will be so hard to do and to witness...but you have made good decisions and are preparing yourself as best you can. I don't know if you realize how truly rare this is...most people just plunge into a pet's euthanasia and then have so many regrets later. I feel certain you will have the peaceful good-bye you are wanting.

Please let me know how you are doing later on when you feel up to writing. You're in my thoughts. Laurel"

[Dana]

Hi Christina, I'm very sorry to hear about your dog. As an owner of a pet hospital AND a mother, I can tell you that many, many children are a lot more resilient than we often give them credit for. We've involved children in many of the euthanasias at our pet hospital and all of them have been very peaceful and sensitive. As Laurel said, one of the most important things is talking with your veterinarian before hand. We're fortunate that my husband is so comfortable with children being present during euthanasia (Laurel and Carolyn Butler taught him at CSU while he was in Vet school so you know he's been taught well)! I think it also helps that he is a father so he's comfortable with kids as both a doctor and a parent.

I wanted to tell you that we had to euthanize our golden retriever (Roxanne) several years ago when our daughter was only five. We prepared her in all the ways Laurel mentioned, and we tried to help her understand as much as possible. We were able to euthanize Roxanne at home so it was obviously a much more comfortable environment. We ended up letting her decide for herself whether or not she wanted to be present the whole time (we told her that it was okay to go upstairs or to another room if she wanted). She handled the situation really well and to this day, we still talk about Roxanne and our shared grief (our daughter is twelve now). It's a powerful bonding experience.

I also want to reiterate what Laurel said about preschoolers and their short attention spans. It is very normal for children this age to experience grief is short "bursts." In one moment, children can be almost hysterical with grief but then completely switch gears a few minutes later and ask for permission to go outside and play. It's a little odd how quickly young children can shift their emotions but it's completely normal.

As Laurel said, honesty is the key and involving her as much as she wants to be. If she is not present at euthanasia, you might provide her with a chance to say goodbye to your dog before or after the euthanasia (the opportunity to say goodbye is very important in my book).

You obviously love your daughter very much and I'm sorry for the grief and sadness you and your family are experiencing right now. Take care.

[Laurel]

Thanks for your insights, Dana. The voice of experience is so powerful and helpful.

[Christina P. Bass]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to let you all know that we did have Maximus cross over to rainbow bridge on saturday the 16th. I could not have done it as peacefully and organized without all of your help, especially Laurel and Dana. Lillian, my 3 1/2 year old, was a trooper through all this. We had a good friend distract my kids in the basement with her kids as well by filling balloons and writing messages of goodbyes to Max on them... to be released later. The kids got to say goodbye before and after. Then my husband loaded our newf Maximus in the back of the van on a comfy dog bed and we all went to the crematorium. What I found amazing was that Lillian wanted to come in one last time to hug Maximus goodbye and honestly that was very touching. She has been doing fine so far and is excited to have the ashes back with us already so we can bury them with the rest of our crossed over dogs and cats up in New Hampshire. I have to say that it really helped us not have the young ones around during the medical part since it allowed us to express our grief without distraction. Laurel, I have to tell you that I have forwarded the advice to many of my mom friends with pets and they all said that this was all incredibly helpful when the time comes for them. A big warm thank you to everyone.

Christina

[Laurel]

Hello Christina,
Thank you so much for letting us know that Max passed away and that you feel so at peace with the experience. If Dana and I were of help to you, we are very pleased. It's important to both of us to put our years of experience to good use in service to families like yours who can benefit from it.

Thank you for forwarding the information on to others and know that we are here to provide information and support.

My thoughts are with you and your family, Christina, as you continue to adjust to your loss. You know this, I'm sure, but the love Max shared with you never goes away...stop and focus on him and you'll always feel it...