Complicated grief

"My adult daughter took over the care of our little Wheaten terrier after my husband died four years ago.  Now the dog has also passed on and I think my daughter is taking it harder than when her own father died!  Is this normal?  Should I get her some help?"  --Nina in New York

I understand why your daughter's grief may seem out of proportion and even alarming to you, Nina.  While it seems out of the ordinary, it's actually quite common for people to have a stronger grief reaction when someone or something they associate with a loved one dies or is lost.  There are many reasons for the phenomena based on each individual's situation, but there are two primary explanations.  They are:

1.  for one reason or another, the person didn't fully grieve when their loved one died.

In your daughter's case, she may not have truly grieved for your husband because she felt she needed to be strong for others (like you or her young children) or she was stressed and too busy in her personal life to actually slow down and realize that her father was gone.  This happens more often than you'd imagine, especially if adult children work full-time and/or live far away from their parents and don't take part in their day-to-day lives.  It's easy to slip into denial and put the death out of your mind until you have to face it again for some reason.

2.  the bond or relationship is transferred onto another person or to a symbol of the loved one who died.

In your daughter's case, the bond she formed with your husband's dog may have become symbolic for her of the relationship she shared with her father.  In other words, as long as she had his dog, your daughter may have felt that she still had part of her father, too.  When the dog died, she not only lost a beloved companion, but lost your husband all over again.  This probably made her grief come to the surface where she had no choice but to finally feel it on a very deep level and deal with it as if it had just happened.  Symbolic attachments, as they're called, usually result in intense, prolonged grief.   

As you know from losing your husband, grief is no fun.  We will all do amazing things to avoid feeling it for as long as we possibly can.  I encourage you to talk with your daughter about her feelings and help her understand that she may be dealing with delayed grief for her father as well as the grief for her dog.  And, yes, it's my belief that it's always helpful to talk with a counselor or to attend a grief support group after a loss.  We are so misinformed about our emotions, especially grief, in our society that it is a tremendous help to understand what is happening to us and why.  And to know that what we are feeling and how we are reacting is normal and won't last forever.

Have any of you, readers, formed a symbolic attachment with a pet, your childhood home, a sentimental object?  What was it like when you lost it?

--Laurel

 

Comments

[Ingrid]

I have not personally experienced this, but have seen it in quite a few clients over the years. I think one reason this often happens is because animals open our hearts so much while they're with us, and when they pass, the pain is often much worse than when we use a human family member. Add this on top of someone not having dealt with previous grief, and you've got a very difficult situation on your hands. But I would offer another angle as well - perhaps not as practical as Laurel's excellent explanation and advice, but maybe helpful to some. It almost feels to me that this little Wheaten terrier is helping heal the daughter's heart even from beyond the physical dimension by forcing her to confront and deal with not only the grief of losing her dog, but also with the grief of losing her father. I suspect that once the daughter goes through this tough stretch, she will come out a stronger person and be at peace.

I have always believed that animals are amazing teachers, and this may just be yet another example of how they help us grow and heal.

[Dana]

One of my childhood dogs (a daschund named Shroeder) died just two weeks before my father died in an accident. Whenever I think of Shroeder, it's almost impossible not to think of the pain of my dad's death as well.

[Laurel]

Both great comments about symbolic bonds and grief. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

I absolutely agree that grieving for a pet is often associated with re-grieving for a person and thus, helps heal that loss even further. It's one of the ways to make the loss of a pet more meaningful and comforting, knowing they are putting us in touch with a tender spot that still needs our emotional attention.

[Laurel Hunt]

Just yesterday when I was picking my dog up at daycare, the topic of grief came up. Two other women arrived about the same time as me and we waited in the lobby as the attendant went to get our dogs. One woman warned us that her dog would come bounding down the stairs and knock us over if we weren't careful. Then she added that she had lost her husband, and having to walk this exuberant dog, a large lab mix, had helped to get her through. The other woman commented that she had recently lost a dog to a brain tumor and it had been unbelievably hard, but that getting a new dog had helped. Had we not been in a doggy daycare setting, I doubt either of these two strangers would have opened up about their grief. About that time we heard a loud thumping as Sydney, the lab mix, banged on the door leading into the play area and then came charging down the steps to her mom. I think it did all of us good to see that wagging tail and pure love in action. Grief therapy of the best kind.
Laurel H, celebrating the love of dogs at http://laurelhuntbooks.com

[Laurel]

Great story, Laurel. These conversations happen to me, too. It makes you aware that so many people you meet in the course of any given day are actually in the midst of grief. I love it when their comments are about what or who has HELPED them, rather than how miserable they are. I truly understand that loss makes us all miserable for awhile, but I believe we need to share our coping strategies more with one another. We need to teach one another how to get through the day. Animals are definitely one of those helpful ways!

[Ingrid]

And isn't it a gift when you meet someone in the course of your day who is in the middle of grief, and is able to open up and talk to you about it? Our society in general is so focused on always putting up a brave front and pretending that all is well when sometimes it most certainly isn't, it's refreshing to be able to have these types of honest conversations, even with a total stranger. And it's even better when animals facilitate these conversations, as was the case with Laurel Hunt's example.

[Lindsay]

I've never really thought about this, but it makes perfect sense. I've known people who have lost a spouse and are left with the spouse's pet. That pet becomes so important because it represents the person who died. Caring for the dog itself is like caring for that person.