"Mom, Katie's older brother died today," my fifteen year old daughter told me in a text message sent from her school. "We just found out and everyone here is crying... what should I do?"
Being a parent is hard enough when the responsibilities include conversations with children about everyday difficult issues -- friends who hurt them, coaches who berate them, the endless pressures of school and sports. But, add conversations about loss and grief to your repertoire and you may find yourself speechless. I know I sometimes do and I'm a seasoned grief counselor! It's just more personal and harder to get past the initial feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed when something sad happens to your own child.
I once knew a client who called our pet loss support program at Colorado State University's Veterinary Teaching Hospital because her dog had been killed by a car and she wanted to "be over it" by the time her daughter got home from school at 3:30. This wasn't an insensitive mother. She wanted to protect her daughter and didn't want to scare her by being so upset.
However, the truth is we're going to scare our children more if something horrible happens and we AREN'T upset. Trying to be an example of stoic composure sets up unrealistic and unattainable expectations. Better to show our kids that emotions are normal, human, and healthy. Show them HOW to grieve instead of how NOT to grieve.
Most kids just naturally know how to do this. A few days ago, a friend of mine told me about Traci, a nine year old girl who is a family friend. Traci was home alone after school when Muffin, the family's cocker spaniel, who was ill and undergoing treatment, had a seizure and suddenly died right before her eyes. Naturally, the young girl was distressed and called her mother, who left work as soon as she could. All the way home, the mother worried that her daughter would be frightened and distraught, alone in the house with a dead animal. She wondered where she'd find Traci -- hiding in a closet? Crying in the upstairs bathroom?
Where do you think she was? Traci was sitting right next to Muffin on the floor of the kitchen, petting her and speaking to her in a soft, loving voice. "I stayed with her until you got home, Mom. I didn't want her to be alone."
Kids know how to grieve. We have to be brave enough to grieve with them.
--Laurel
This is amazing! What a great thing for this little girl to do. I can't believe she stayed with her dog. I would have a hard time doing that as an adult, let alone as a kid!
Touching story. Kids are pretty amazing when it comes to grief. They can teach us adults a thing or two!
Posted by: Tammy | January 21, 2009 at 10:29 AM